Rainy Day Healing

 

Making My Peace … with the notion that rejection can be good for the brain

 

Being rejected is not the end of the world – it’s the start of a re-think and improvements in life, and that makes it good for the brain say psychologists.

I wrote in the previous post that rejection can be hard, difficult, and painful, with a long-lasting legacy. It’s still true. I wrote about being rejected by the local municipal librarian for a library card. What I didn’t know at the time was that the temporary rejection would stick in my mind for 25 years, and that, if I had released it earlier, it was supposed to be good for me.

“If you have your antennas up, every single day you’d get some indication that somebody didn’t value you as much as you wish they did.”

 

That’s the February 2023 research findings published in Psychology and Relationships, although it focused on a much tougher subject – being rejected for a job or a romantic relationship. Mark Leary, a former psychology professor at Duke University in the United States, said, in being practical, that everyone is rejected in big and small ways over and over again.”

Leary says our reactions to being rejected are rooted in the history and evolution of human beings. Historically, being rejected or accepted into a group and being able to interact with members of the group was “essential to our survival” – i.e., the survival of the human race.

“The shame and anxiety that comes with rejection has been a useful tool,” Leary says. It makes or breaks relationships. “Being exiled from a group or turned down by a potential mate had far greater consequences hundreds of years ago than it does now. Still, we are ‘hard-wired’ to read rejection as a threat to our health.” He adds, “the reason it continues to hurt is the same reason why we continue to experience pain when we step on a sharp object. Negative emotions are a warning that something there might be damaging to your wellbeing.”

There is a grey area though. Neutrality, ambivalence, procrastination, and not calling a person back are not clear rejections. In fact, Mark Leary doesn’t view these as rejections at all.

I often refer to those traits in people as a time when someone is keeping options open or is weighing up the advantages and disadvantages to determine whether they will eventually reject, or whether they will deflect for an indefinite period until something “better” arises.

Mark Leary says, “a lot of people see a lot more rejection than there really is … which can be isolating and cause a sort of victim complex. So, it helps to remember that you’re probably not being rejected as much as you think.”

Leary reminds people not to take rejection personally and not to attribute it to the general injustice and unfairness in the world. “Do your best to do a realistic appraisal of what the problem is.” In fact, “no, you didn’t get the job,” does not mean “no, our company doesn’t like you as a person or anything about you and your presence on this planet for all eternity.”

“No” sometimes means “not now.” There are many true stories of people rejecting marriage proposals to the same person over and over, until relinquishing and leading a fulfilled life with their partner. A company may have just lost a client or a deal and can’t hire at the moment, or a politician may be rejected for political office, only to be accepted at a later time during other circumstances. There are too many external, indeterminant, and uncertain factors in life that impact the process and outcome of an offer, a proposal, that may result in a rejection.

Here’s another scenario: the “only one” scenario. If the situation is employment related, a person needs only one acceptance letter. If the situation is relationship related, a person needs only one acceptance kiss. The rest might be excess!

I don’t think there have been studies on the correlation between the depth of the impact of a rejection and the intensity of the interaction with the person. For example, a rejection from your fifth choice of workplace or university might have less intensity than a rejection from a job that has been coveted for years.

Rejection improves mistakes, performances, nerves, fears, and so on. Rejection is the force, the push, the potential, to make improvements to target, more authentically, the goal being so coveted.

The saying “rejection is protection” may have merit too – a rejection may be the end of one pathway and a redirection into another “better” pathway. A rejection might allow time to pass, and advice to consider, so that a renewed strategy or version of oneself can be materialized to better suit the situation – like being rejected during a talent competition only to win it three years later. Some actors are rejected hundreds of times before they land their “breakout” role.

For many, the difficulty is that rejection is unbearable in the present, takes a long time to relinquish it to the past, and is only seen as a blessing in disguise when living your best life in the future. It’s all relative.

Mark Leary concludes that rejection is a normal part of life and feeling bad about rejection means it’s good for your brain because it shows that your brain is working the right way – you’re a normal human being.”

Making my peace with the notion that rejection can be good for the brain, I learned the following:

• that everyone is unique in handling “the rejection thing”
• that rejection comes in many forms, formats, durations, intensities, impacts, and legacies
• that the brain is prepared for, and resilient to, rejection
• that not over-thinking and over-analyzing a rejection helps to keep the brain healthier
• that not taking a rejection personally helps to prevent low self-esteem
• that not attributing rejection to the general injustice of the world helps to prevent resentment
• that rejection paves the way for a renewed, unstuck, improved version of self (or of the other person)
• that the phrase “rejection is protection” might have substance
• that rejection is for learning
• that it’s better to let go and release the “small stuff”
• that rejection may be a blessing in disguise.

 

 

Martina Nicolls: Rainy Day Healing – MAKING MY PEACE