MAKING MY PEACE … with stepping inside myself
Am I in my Magic Theatre phase of life? It is a metaphor for “stepping inside oneself” – conducting a self-examination – a reference to Hermann Hesse’s 1927 novel Steppenwolf which I have just re-read. The sign above the door to the Magic Theatre in the novel says: For madmen only. Steppenwolf is the author’s self-portrait, or self-examination, through his fictional character Harry Haller, at fifty years of age, who feels himself to be half-human and half-wolf – between being civilised and being instinctual – between order and chaos. In 1961, a year before Hesse died, he wrote that Steppenwolf “pictures a disease and crisis – but not one leading to death and destruction, on the contrary: to healing.”
In Steppenwolf, the Magic Theatre is not only a surreal, hallucinatory experience, but also an invitation to explore the many selves that live within us: the lost dreams, repressed desires, former versions, and unexplored potentials.
Signs show up when we are entering the Magic Theatre of our lives:
- Feeling fragmented, as if living multiple lives but not fully living any of them.
- Longing for solitude, not to escape others, but to be our authentic self.
- Questioning what a lifetime has produced, in career, relationships, and even beliefs.
- Standing on a threshold, but not yet knowing what’s on the other side.
- Gravitating toward creativity, memories, and spiritual practices.
- Wanting to remember who is really under our skin and in our head.
Entering the Magic Theatre is not about finding definitive answers. It’s about witnessing all the parts of me — the good, the bad, the ugly, the sacred, and the silly — and understanding that healing is a form of remembering, not fixing.
I don’t need a sign above a door. I just need a little courage, some quiet, and a willingness to be my authentic self again. I am not “too old to change” and I am “too young to give up” – I am right on time to enter the Magic Theatre.
Making my peace with stepping inside myself and inside the Magic Theatre, I reflect on the following questions in my journaling:
- Ask myself: Who are the characters in my inner Magic Theatre?
List 3–5 “selves” within me: the adventurer, the writer, the caretaker, the pathfinder, the maverick, the self-contained … What do they want me to know?
- Ask myself: What door have I been afraid to open?
Is there a part of my life (creative, sensual, spiritual, relational) that I’ve closed off? Why? What might happen if I opened the door and looked inside?
- Ask myself: “When did I feel most like my full authentic self?
Describe a moment when I felt deeply aligned. What was happening? Who was I with? What version of me was present?
- Ask myself: What am I ready to release?
Write a short farewell letter to a role, identity, or outdated version of myself that no longer fits. Express gratitude for what it gave me and then release it.
- Ask myself: What would my wellbeing and healing consist of if it were fun instead of punishment?
What would my healing look like if it included dance, humour, absurdity, curiosity, or creativity? Reading Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf again reminded me that seriousness is only a small part of self-examination, stepping inside myself, and healing.
Magic Theatre is waiting.
Rainy Day Healing blogs: “This kind of quiet, honest reflection is exactly what makes Rainy Day Healing such a special space.” Chaz. T., USA
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